Back to Square One

Just had a major argument with the usual parents about the same old thing, flashbacked to my angsty teenage years when I was treated like an animal, being enslaved at home and being disregarded of emotion and anything to do with humanity - hence I decided to revisit this old blog.

It dawned on me, its been close to 8 years since they've treated me this way, and from what I recall, it has never changed. I remember being so alone one fine night, just praying that one day, I would be free, and one day, they would feel the pain and sadness I was feeling which was inflicted by them.

The day has come. It is here. Their lives are falling apart. I can see and feel their longing for being wanted and loved by somebody, and being given nothing. They can live in denial for the rest of their lives, living in material happiness with designer handbags, luxury cars, which could only evoke more hate for them from peers because of envy. Should I do something about it? No. Because that was what they did to me, when I needed care the most. They only made sure I was alive.

I will make sure you live mom and dad. But noone said I was going to make sure you are happy. Alive on the outside, dead on the inside. Sounds familiar?

That was me, many years back. And that will be you guys, in the near future.

I will not let history repeat itself. I have built my life so far up, accomplished so many things which other people my age could only dream about and have later in life, and I'm not turning back and sliding back down. I will rise all the way up, like a phoenix from the ashes, and burn everyone along the way whom have caused me grief, pain, sadness, which I had harbored so much that it turned into self-hate, rage, and an inability to trust anyone or anything.

Your marriage is starting to fail. Your purpose of staying together is almost done, all your children are all independent, and you find that your time is more available than it ever was. It is this free time that will make you question, that will make you realize the emptiness that you have, and all this is not because of the usual "why do good things happen to bad people" fiasco. You have been bad.

You have scarred me for life. Till today, I've always looked for something which you would never ever give. I don't care.

I live for me. I don't live for you anymore.

The phase and emotional challenges you're going through now is not because of a bad occurence, its because of karma, coming back to bite you for stepping on all those helpless people when they were powerless and when you had power. Instead of helping, you abused them.

You made this monster. Now this monster is never going to rest, until payback is done.

And I know just how to do it.

:)

Delusion..

I guess some people are just plain delusional to the fact that they don't rule anything but their own fantasy world. Its plain retarded, and know it alls like these piss me off the most. One more week, and I won't have to play fake anymore, at least not toward this genre of people.

The only reason I tolerated them was so that I could use them. Once this is done, I wont need them anymore, so what better to do than to dispose of them like used unwanted rubbish.

:)

Miss

Maybe the one person I missed all this while was my old self.

Where did you go.

What happened to me.

NS

So my life has changed completely. The old life I used to have is gone, now everything is about the army. The only thing I have to say is that, I feel like I'm in a dream. Nothing seems real, not even the friendships. I don't even know why the things around me happen. I'm in a motion, and I'm just going through it. I am going through a trance, and I somehow managed to numb out all emotions to the point that I don't feel sadness for all the sacrifices I had to make anymore.

I try to wake myself up, but it seems that I've fallen into a deep sleep, letting the situation take over me. Maybe I need this. Maybe my mind needs a break for a while, after going through so much stress and emotional trauma for so long. Maybe its time for me to accept this new mindless careless life. It could be the start of a new journey of inner peace. It could be the thing I needed, to let go of all the negativity I've been harbouring for so long.

But the question is, if it was so meaningful, why don't I feel complete. Why do I still feel that what I needed to settle is still there. I know its there, but I can't feel it. I can't feel the emotion. I just feel. Blank.

Like someone erased my emotions and replaced them.

I'm going through a weird phase.

Only time will tell what I'm going through. Till then.

The Psychopath

You know how people say that as you grow older, you get closer to your parents. Well, screw that phrase, its going the other way around for me.

As I get older, I develop more and more hate and resentment towards my mother, and as I wake up everyday, her face becomes more and more irritable to me. I have never felt a hate so intense for anyone in my life, up to the point that I would find pleasure in the person's death. I may sound sadisitic, but I wasn't born this way, I was made this way. The 20 years of constant rejection, scolding, slavery, verbal abuse, temper flairs, and arguments have contributed to this intense abhor which I have towards her. Many a time I have tried to justify her actions, but many a times my justifications just do not make sense. And don't give any bull about, "Don't say that, she's your mother".

Would a real mother say this sentence,

"If you go against me one more time, I will beat you up. Don't think I'm scared of you, I will do it. And I don't care even if you die, at least my heart will be satisfied."

Which cold creature on Earth would even say that. She's not my mother. She's evil. She's a demon. She needs to be vanquished. Banished from the surface of the Earth.

I used to have my doubts, but all my doubts have been clarified with that one sentence. No more mother's day presents, no more caring about her. I don't care if she cries, every teardrop is worth my years of suffering under this child abuse.

I'm a victim of child abuse. Many children are. I know how they feel. They feel helpless. Lost. Vulnerable. Up to this point, the scars in my life that affect me are not caused by anyone else but that demon.

I don't feel sad. I feel like I need to break free. I know the time is near, where I can just fly away and never come back. Something in my gut is telling me, there's a better future awaiting me. Suffer now, enjoy later. 20 years of suffering. 20 years of pain. I will get my day one day.

It may not be today, but I know it will come.

As for you bitch, here's a message just for you.

Burn in hell.

Identity

So, who am I. Who are you?

I guess I should stop trying to be like anybody, and just be myself.

I know what I like, I know what I want to do.

Everybody's different.

In life, you don't need to fit in. You can blend in, but you don't need to fit.

Mystery is always good. What I'm like, you have to know me well enough to find out.

Into the Rush

So many things happening right now. Big things.

Things that would thrill, that the old me could only dream about. But I've no time to take it all in for all its worth, as there's so little time so much to do.

I never liked surprise. I always liked a good plan.

I got published. I landed jobs with magazines. And I've only got such a short time to bask in the glory of my hard work. I'm going to graduate, and I have to make full use of that free time I have to bring myself further. But now I'm thinking. Work so hard, to see it all disappear once I enter NS?

I won't let it happen. I've been through rough times, and I emerged alive. These are just challenges in life. Its about how you face it, not how you avoid it.

It doesn't take a man to get through obstacles. For all you know, a "man" might just cower away with his head between his legs. It takes willpower, and inner strength. Try until you die, because you will never know until you did.

Now, I've a major challenge facing me. NAPFA, and IB test. I haven't started a page on IB, and I know its my sloth and procrastination to blame. But you know what. Its not too late. Its never too late. 1 day is all I have.1 day is all I need. 1 day is all it takes.

I will get through this, and I will come out a winner. I never liked to lose, and I will NEVER back down without putting up a good fight. I fought for my life when I was born. I'm a fighter, and I am going to win.

Ready. Set. Go.

The Misfit

Know everybody. Trust noone.